I’m not sure I understand life yet.
I love it.
I love fireworks, and baby giggles and the way my dad looked out for my mom. I love Christmas movies and trips to the zoo and putting my head on my husband’s shoulder. I love life. But, I am also aware of how dangerous it is.
There are weapons and bacterias and mosquitos that cause deformity in a baby. A baby. There are real, disgusting, heartless boogie men and people who know this and just don’t care. There is meanness and knives and cars that wreck.
All of these contrasting things are true about life. I adore it, but I don’t trust it. I never let my guard down. I really can’t.
In fact, I’ve been thinking lately that life reminds me of a dog we rescued once. He was cute and little and we even named him Pumpkin. We gave him every chance to be adorable and sometimes he was. Sometimes, he rolled over on his back and let you scratch his tummy. He would just lay there with his ears flopped over smiling at you. Sometimes, he would even take a treat right out of your hand. It would be laying there– a chicken flavored, bone shaped, slightly disgusting thing– and then with a quick puff of his soft lips it would be gone and you would be left with nothing but slobber. If you met Pumpkin on one of those days you would scratch him behind the ears. You would congratulate us for rescuing him. You would opine about how people should always rescue dogs instead of buying them. You would be sucked in and you would relax. Then, when you least expected it, Pumpkin would bite the living hell out of you. He would. And we wouldn’t be able to warn you because we never really knew when it was coming. One minute love and the next minute teeth.
It’s the same when life is going good. You feel like you are stable and secure. You have your people. You have your routine. You are taking things for granted. Life is sweet. The next moment the phone rings, or someone knocks on your door, or a doctor enters a room and life bites the hell out of you. It’s just the way it is. Life has teeth.
It is my relationship with life that is driving me to start this blog. Life is a cranky rescue dog that I love with all my heart. It confuses me.